He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
