So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My bed smells like the plague
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
