Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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