I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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