He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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