Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
