We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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