I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
