i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
