I met the friendliest cop last night
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
