I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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