yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Randomize
