the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
