He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
