Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
