Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
