If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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