I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
