Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
