First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
