Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
In America we eat man semen.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
