oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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