I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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