I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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