dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
