tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
