He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
