i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
