I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
