90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
