If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
someone owes me an orgasm
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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