Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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