Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
