I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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