I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
