Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
