Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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