There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
