Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
sarcasm needs its own font
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
