My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
