I met the friendliest cop last night
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
