Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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