I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
