2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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