how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
