I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
