3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
