apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
