that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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