i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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