1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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