Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
