he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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