I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Randomize
