so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
