Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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