break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
