When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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