even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
