is wine microwaveable?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
