Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
